How To Improve Your Relationship With Money

Transforming Your Relationship With Money

Relationship With Money

Before we get into how to transform your relationship with money, let's understand what a relationship with money is. The way I think about it, money is another thing that occupies space in our brain, similar to the way food, movement, or work does. Think about your relationship to those other items--food, exercise, or work--and it helps to think about what your relationship with money is like. How do you feel about money? What emotions come up for you when the topic of money comes up? Do you have a pattern of recurring thoughts that arise when you interact with money? All of these things inform our relationship with money.

What is a Bad Relationship With Money?

I don't believe anyone is bad with money; instead, I think people have unhealthy relationships with money. A bad relationship with money differs from person to person, but in general, it's when you experience a sense of powerlessness over money. Most people who have bad relationships with money feel like their money controls them, instead of them being in control of their money. This can manifest as financial anxiety, financial shame, or other avoidant experiences.

Money Relationship Mistakes

The biggest mistake I see when people are working on their relationship with money is thinking that a habit will fix their relationship with money. For example, "If I only stuck to my budget, then I'd feel good about money," or my personal favorite, "If I earned more, then I wouldn't avoid my money." I believe we have to work on our mindset and relationship with money in order to make these changes stick. AKA it's hard to stick to a budget when you feel restricted by the categories. It's hard to earn more money when you feel conflicted about capitalism.

Factors That Impact Your Relationship With Money

"Culture, religion, gender, family, childhood upbringing, and education all play an important role in how you relate to money."

There are so many factors that impact your relationship with money. Culture, religion, gender, family, childhood upbringing, and education all play an important role in how you relate to money. Turning to your childhood can be a great way to understand your current relationship with money. As our brains are doing the bulk of their development before the age of seven, it's no surprise that research has found that our outlook on money, including money habits, is primarily set by the time we turn seven (PBS).

Turn back to your early childhood to see what you might have picked up on financially. Did you grow up in a household where money was a point of contention? Was your school always asking for donations? Did a sibling ever break into your piggy bank and steal your hard-earned cash? All of these factors impact the way you relate to money.

Our financial habits, in my opinion, are primarily built to protect us. If your caregivers fought about a lack of money all the time, it makes sense that your childhood brain went, "I better earn a lot of money when I grow up, so I can prevent fighting." As an adult, this might look like working overtime or searching for new side hustles as additional income streams. If your sibling often stole your money, your childhood brain might go, "I should get better at finding hiding places for my money to keep it safe." As an adult, this might look like keeping your money in various online high-yield savings accounts to feel a sense of protection over your cash.

5 Steps to Transform Your Relationship with Money

5-steps-transforming-your-relationship-with-money

Now that you know what impacts your relationship with money, it's time to start creating a good relationship with money. Here are the five steps to transform your relationship with money.

Identify your current relationship with money. If you aren't sure, I recommend taking note of your thoughts and feelings when interacting with money or financial tasks. Think: seeing your paycheck hit your bank account, handing your credit card over when you get your car repaired, or hearing a story of the stock market on the radio. Knowing where you are now can help with where you want to be.
Identify your version of a healthy relationship with money. Most of my clients say they want a relationship with money that feels easy, that makes them feel confident and calm. Those words might resonate with you, or they might not! You get to decide how a healthy relationship with money looks.
List out your unhealthy financial thoughts or practices. Are you a Blissfully Ignorant money archetype like me? If so, you might lean toward avoiding looking at bank statements or waiting until April 14th to file your taxes. Do you experience thoughts of money shame? Things like "I didn't donate enough to charity," or "I should have asked for a raise?"
Decide what healthy financial thoughts or practices you want to adopt. I'm not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your money. You are the expert on what you want your relationship with money to look like. Here are a couple of questions to get you started. Does looking at your bank account weekly feel like a healthy financial habit? What about starting your day with a mantra like, "I'm confident enough to understand money."?
Create a roadmap to implement changes. Reverse engineer your way from where you are currently (in an unhealthy financial relationship) to where you want to be. Create small, manageable steps to get there, and practice at a cadence that works for you, be it daily, weekly, or monthly.

Transforming Your Relationship With Money

There you have it! Now you know what a relationship with money is, understand the factors that contribute to your relationship with money can pinpoint unhealthy financial thoughts or behaviors and have a 5-step action plan to start transforming your relationship with money.

Want more 1:1 help? If you are an individual or couple, financial therapy might be for you! In financial therapy, I help people understand their relationship with money and transform it into their version of a healthy relationship with money. If you are a private practice therapist, a 1-time power session with me can help you work on your mindset.

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